I Do! How to Navigate Your Wedding Vows
Wedding vows are an opportunity to showcase the love you have for your partner in a unique and personal way and to remind your guests why they’re at your wedding. Many non-denominational couples have questions about the process of vows - how should this work? Should we write our own? If we don’t want to write our own vows, how can we keep them personal and meaningful? Your wedding officiant is uniquely qualified to assist you in writing or crafting the perfect wedding vows.
I’ve seen many types of wedding vows over the years, none more “right” than the other. It really is up to you how you want to do it! Here are some great starting points for thinking about how to accomplish these promises to your partner.
WRITE 'EM YOURSELF
For some, this will come easily and will feel very natural. For others, this can seem daunting. The most important thing to remember is: there’s no pressure to make this anything other than a heartfelt expression of your love for your partner. Because you’re writing this, you want it to be in your own voice. I think it’s also OK if you and your partner’s vows have a different tone, but if you want to make sure you both are on the same page without sharing vows ahead of time, send them to your officiant. I’ve read plenty of vows before the wedding and was able to speak with the couple and let them know if one or the other was more sentimental, had more jokey parts, or was just much longer than the other.
If you feel lost, you can think about it this way: all you need are three things. 1) Tell your partner what you love about them. Pick three things about them that you love that you can highlight. 2) Tell them how they make you feel. Pick three specific examples of how they’ve made your life better. 3) Make them promises you think you can keep, and it’s alright if these things are realistic and honest. These can range from serious and important to funny inside jokes. (Try to keep inside jokes to a minimum, otherwise your guests may feel alienated.) For example:
[Partner’s name], you are the most generous person I know, always going out of your way to help others. You are thoughtful, taking time out of your day to write me notes when you know I’m in a bad mood. You are creative, thinking up new ways to re-engineer our pantry so we can reach the cookies faster. When I’m with you, I feel so at home: safe, protected, and completely myself. You make me want to be a better person, and you do that in a way that always makes me feel supported and respected. You are my best friend, and I couldn’t be more ready to spend a lifetime making you feel as supported and safe as you make me feel. I promise to respect you, even if I don’t agree with you, I promise to love you fiercely, and I promise I will always be myself.
WRITE 'EM YOURSELF (LITE)
Some couples want to speak in their own voices, but the idea of reading a monologue to their partner seems overwhelming. Why not split the difference (and the spotlight) and follow this script?
1) Both partners agree on a number of promises they’ll write for each other. A comfortable number for me is five or six. This way, it’s not too long, but there’s enough room for one or two lighter or funnier vows. Each partner finishes the sentence, “I promise….” or “I vow…”
2) Start with a mutual beginning and ending. For example:
To start
Partner A: I vow to love you.
Partner B: I vow to love you.
To end
Partner A: I promise to choose you every day,
Partner B: I promise to choose you every day,
Partner A: To never ever give up.
Partner B: To never ever give up.
Partner A: I promise to work every day to be the person you deserve.
Partner B: I promise to work every day to be the person you deserve.
3) Have your officiant put together the individual vows you wrote so that he or she can organize them for the best flow and build-up. Then, she can print them for you each to read on the day. You’ll never have to see each other’s vows beforehand, you’ll both share the moment, and no one has to say a long monologue but you still get to incorporate your own voices and unique vows.
Here’s an example of a full script (Partner A and B take turns reciting vows):
Partner A: I vow to love you.
Partner B: I vow to love you.
Partner A: I promise to support you,
Partner B: I promise to listen to your ideas, even if they seem crazy at first,
Partner A: To remind you how beautiful you are,
Partner B: To admire you,
Partner A: To dry the dishes you wash,
Partner B: To love the cat, even though I’m a dog person,
Partner A: I vow to always be myself and let you be who you are
Partner B: I vow to love you for who you are and who you will become
Partner A: To try to be kind, always.
Partner B: To always be honest with you.
Partner A: I promise to choose you every day,
Partner B: I promise to choose you every day,
Partner A: To never ever give up.
Partner B: To never ever give up.
Partner A: I promise to work every day to be the person you deserve.
Partner B: I promise to work every day to be the person you deserve.
REPEAT AFTER ME
Most of us have heard the vows that involve loving a person in sickness and in health, till death do you part. These are perfectly fine vows, but you can also repeat vows that are more personal or meaningful to you. These can be read by your officiant so you can repeat them, or you can read them to each other. Here are just a few examples:
I choose you to be my husband/wife. I promise to be honest, to respect you, and to trust you. I will celebrate with you when times are good, I will support you when times are bad. I share with you my whole self and love you for everything you are.
I, [Partner A], take you, [Partner B], to be my husband, my lifelong friend and my partner in whatever life may throw our way. I vow to love you, encourage you, trust you, and respect you. I will laugh with you in times of joy and comfort you in times of sorrow. I will share your dreams and support you as you strive to achieve your goals. I vow not just to grow old together, but to grow together. I accept you as you are, and offer myself in return. With these words, and all the words of my heart, I choose you, I marry you.
I, [Partner A], choose you [Partner B], as my husband/wife, in friendship, and in love, in strength and weakness, to share the good times and misfortune, in achievement and failure. I will cherish and respect you through all the changes of our lives, forever giving thanks that we found each other.